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Much Ado About Pop Tarts

Photo by Cartoon courtesy of Ashley Wilson

Photo by Cartoon courtesy of Ashley Wilson

Alli Milne and Megan Monson, Staff Writer and Op/Ed Editor

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It’s 7:23 in the morning and you haven’t even left for school yet. You are faced with a monumental decision: do you make a bowl of Cheerios and have to live the tardy walk-of-shame?

The immediate solution: Pop Tarts. Grab a Pop Tart and eat it in the car. You are not only to class on time, but you are sort of nourished.

Pop Tarts are like their own food group. With around four hundred calories and thirty grams of sugar per package, this delicious and totally fake pastry will give you a delightful zing to start your day.

With the help of the school vending machines and these reviews, you too can learn the full joy of the whole Pop Tart spectrum

Strawberry

Filling: A strawberry jam concoction with distinctively sweet undertones.

Dough: Just plain old vanilla. This sounds rather boring, but it could make or break the tart.

Frosting/Topping: A vanilla glaze with super fun rainbow sprinkles stuck inside.

Deliciousness Rating (DR): 8

Best Time to Munch: Anytime, especially when you need a pick-me-up in your mood. Rainbow sprinkles make anybody’s day better.

Hot Fudge Sundae

Filling: Vanilla cream, which tastes suspiciously like ice cream…

Dough: Chocolate, which paired with the vanilla tastes suspiciously like hot fudge…

Frosting/Topping: Vanilla frosting with a chocolate swirl, which when paired with the rainbow sprinkles looks suspiciously like a hot fudge sundae…

DR: 8

Best Time to Munch: 10:00 in the morning when you really, really want sugar.

Cherry

Filling: A cherry jam. Cherry jam is strange and unnatural and does not really exist.

Dough: Vanilla, which makes your unnatural cherry jam stand out.

Frosting/Topping: Cute pink vanilla frosting with some fun pink sugar sprinkles. These almost make up for the cherry jam… but not quite.

DR: 3

Best Time to Munch: You really shouldn’t. Save the box to give to that one annoying friend who always tries to eat your S’mores Pop Tarts as a substitute.

S’mores

Filling: Chocolate and marshmallow stripes, which was absolute genius on somebody’s part.

Dough: Graham cracker! This makes you feel like you are eating a legitimate s’more.

Frosting/Topping: A simple chocolate, but the rest of the Pop Tart is so delicious you don’t even notice.

DR: 9.75, we were saving our perfect 10 for a possible future flavor release.

Best Time to Munch: Today, tomorrow, once a day for forever. These are pouches of heaven in an aluminum wrapper.

Brown Sugar and Cinnamon

Filling: Brown sugar and cinnamon, like the name.

Dough: Plain vanilla, but it should be something exotic… like cinnamon swirl.

Frosting/Topping: Something that resembles maple, but studies were inconclusive.

DR: 4

Best Time to Munch: Only in a pinch. It’s not as bad as cherry, but not as tremendous as s’mores.

When Pop Tarts were first invented in 1964, they were originally released without frosting and came only in fruit flavors and brown sugar & cinnamon, because the inventors felt that they couldn’t make a cream frosting or filling that would withstand the toaster.

Pop Tart Fun Fact: A scientist from Texas conducted an experiment after a man sued Post for his toaster catching fire and discovered that, when left unattended, Pop Tarts can create a fire up to a foot high.

Don’t try this at home, kids. Just eat your Pop Tart like a normal child.

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Much Ado About Pop Tarts