It has come to my attention of late that there are individuals very near and dear to me who have long doubted the existence of narwhals. Because clearly, things with unicorn horns aren’t real–sorry, Sir Rhinoceros. I have taken it upon myself to prove to everyone the existence of these creatures, because they are misrepresented in society as imaginary and if society thought I was imaginary, I would be more than a little upset.
So heretofore, I am the Lorax and I speak for the narwhals.
If you go to http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/mammals/narwhal/, you can find pictures of–get this– real live narwhals accompanied by real live narwhal facts about real live narwhals. National Geographic is not a fan fiction site where the upwardly mobile of the anime kingdom gather, kids. They are scientists and photographers and historians who have seen narwhals with their own eyeballs!
On this same site, it talks about how narwhals are often hunted for their tusks. Not hunted for a blurry Kodak shot like Bigfoot or the abominable snowman, not hunted for a scale so people will finally believe you when you tell them you saw Nessie, but hunted for tusks that they have on their existential heads! If you search narwhal tusks on Google, there are legitimate black market and underground poachers that will sell them to you! They just can’t send them to the United States because I guess Customs frowns on you air mailing illegal 9 foot long marine animal horns to your doorstep.
If you are still a doubter, I challenge you to explore some reputable sites on the Internet. Try some of these I dug up:
Be sure to look at all the pictures, because they clearly aren’t Photoshopped. In fact, go to the library and dig up some of their old encyclopedias, look up narwhal and see the pictures and facts they put there before Photoshopping was a thing.
You can even go out and look for them yourself if you’re particularly ambitious, but don’t expect to see many. Senior Adam Cox says of narwhals, “Whale you sea, narwhals are quite a majestic creature, and they shore love their privacy. That’s why they never talk, they just wave.”