The Family Lineup


Photo by Cartoon courtesy of Darcy Christiansen

Lauren Herrin, Staff Writer

Families are a lot like baseball teams: someone is in charge, someone goes first, someone comes last, and someone gets paid more than the others, that’s just the way life goes. There are pros and cons to each position.



• You are the kid that had a cell phone in elementary school. No one really knows why, it was just lying around your house because nobody else was using it.

• Dad wants a better car so you get his; all of your siblings are incredibly jealous of your new, old car.

• Don’t bother waking mom and dad up when you come home at midnight, they’re asleep and simply don’t care anymore. Sneak out for another hour if you feel like it.

• Your parents are more easy-going with the rules.

• Your older brothers and sisters serve as role models.

• You get the house all to yourself so every weekend is a party.


• Years of traumatic teasing

• The constant question of “Why can’t you be more like so-and-so?”

• Expectations with jobs, grades, sports, etc.

• The ‘holey’ hand-me-downs

• Hearing your name read over the intercom because your parents forgot about you at Walmart.

• Santa doesn’t eat the cookies anymore… but that doesn’t mean you can’t have some.

• Dinners usually involve food from the freezer because mom and dad left you when they went on their date.



• Even though you might get in trouble for it, you’re the boss! The younger kids idolize you and those penny-a-minute massages are fantastic.

• All of the brains in the family went to you so don’t be afraid to use them when it comes to pranks.

• If our government was a monarchy, you’d be next in line for the throne. Don’t act like a royal pain but enjoy your seniority.

• No hand-me-downs for you! Unless you really love your cousins…

• That clunker in the garage is all yours, no sharing required. But if you’re a twin you may have to take turns, something like a Monday, Wednesday, Friday thing.


• You’re everybody’s baby. The first one to “leave the nest,” the first one to have a curfew, the first one to come home late, it’s no wonder your parents are overly protective.

• Unfortunately, you hold the title of babysitter. Giving up those Friday nights at a friend’s house is required if you want to remain in your parent’s good graces.

• You’re the guinea pig: awful perms, bowl haircuts, kid cuisine meals, and having to share your double stick popsicles are all traumatic experiences of the oldest child.

• You have the most chores and spend more minutes in the timeout corner than anyone else.