How to Stalk

Heidee Talbot and Brooke Meldrum, Staff Writers

Stalking is often painted in a bad light by recent news reports but the thing that the media does not understand is that convicted stalkers’ methods were entirely improper. Stalking is an art not to be taken lightly. It requires skill and finesse, which only some are capable of mastering. In order to reach your highest potential in the stalking business you need to follow these simple steps and you will become the black belt of stalking. There is a right way to stalk and a wrong way to stalk, ladies and gentlemen, THIS is the right way to stalk.



  • Choose a stalkee.

There are plenty of options, plenty of fish in the sea.  Someone who attends the same school as you is usually the best option. This way you get your education and spend some quality time with your person. Choose a rather social person. The more open and busy they are, the more you have to do. Is you pick someone who sits at home eating Twinkies on their couch your stalking experience is not going to be very fun. Choose wisely!

  • Start simple.

Facebook stalking is a good basic method. Facebook holds a lot of information on your stalkee’s interests and hobbies, who their friends are, what they like to do on the weekends, and what food they just ate for breakfast. Scroll through their pictures and see where they’ve checked in. If you feel comfortable enough, “friend” them, using your own account or a friend’s.

  • Observe from afar

Get their schedule. Where are they on Wednesday nights?  We don’t recommend the binocular method; It tends to get reported to authorities. But if you live in close proximity to their home, feel free to utilize your dad’s old binoculars. We recommend thick trees also as a means of concealment.

  • Attend the same events

Run into them in a premeditative manner. Appear at the same social events they attend.  Of course you are a friend of a friend of their friend! You look less suspicious if you arrive before them.  Linger on the edge of their conversation circles. Please control yourself though, try not to stare.

  • Start collecting mementos of your invisible relationship.

Small items work best: a hairbrush, the wrapper the stalkee threw away after lunch, shoelaces, anything you can really get your hands on. These are like little gold nuggets to your stalker collection.

  • Continue step 5.

Preferably until a shrine has been completed.

  • Hide your shrine

Ask Siri for assistance if needed. We have found that in your air vent or under the kitchen floorboards are both effective hiding places. We recommend not putting it in your closet; we guarantee it will be discovered.

  • You MUST speak to them.

This is the dreaded eighth step. You need to initiate an actual conversation. Return a “lost” pet (make sure it is not dead). Or pretend you are hopelessly lost in their neighborhood. Insist on a bowl of soup and some crackers before they force you back out into the cold. This is a perfect opportunity to sample their cooking skills. Are they REALLY what you are looking for?

  • A) Continue your stalking for a few years; Marry them and have three kids.

B) Break up with them.  Repeat all steps.