SUMMERTIME

Marietta Lehmitz and Emily Andersen

Summer Summer Summer Summer Summer Summer Summer Summer SUMMER *School Bell rings

in the distance* You run out of the school, possibly stopping to sing about your wonderful summer

vacation. But then you get home and quickly realize that you do not have a super cool job serving the

high school drama queen at her family’s country club and you actually have nothing to do for the next

three months. When that moment comes, you can reach into your backpack full of bonfire kindling,

remove this newspaper (which is definitely not bonfire kindling) and read this article to remind yourself

of all the wonderful things you can accomplish this summer.

To begin enjoying your summer, get off your butt and do something outdoors. There are a myriad

of options. If you enjoy nature, you could go camping, or hiking. If you enjoy water, you could go

swimming, or fishing. If you enjoy explosions, you could watch some fireworks, or go on a road trip in

your rinky dinky old car that will probably explode if it goes faster than 60 mph. Whatever you decide,

try to make it exciting and remember that the indoors are usually incredibly boring.

While doing all these outdoor activities, you will get hungry because you are human. Get a bunch

of your friends together, go to a park, and have a picnic. On your way home stop and get ice cream. When

you get home eat more ice cream and when you finish off your ice cream supply, make homemade ice

cream or smoothies. On July 11, go to 7-Eleven and get yourself a free Slurpee. To follow tradition, you

need to build a fire and roast marshmallows for s’mores.

If none of the previously mentioned activities bring you summer joy, you might have to dig deep

into your memory and pull out some of the things that made your summers perfect years and years ago.

Maybe some of your favorite childhood amusements will renew your hope and happiness. Possible

activities include Twister (or if you’re brave, paint Twister), Uno (preferably in tournament form),

Coloring (which is much more satisfying if you fill at least one entire coloring book), Building blanket

forts (make sure you have an assortment of heavy books), and catching up on childhood cartoons (a lot

has happened to Arthur since you left).

While you’re at it, you might as well watch every T.V. show you have ever wanted to watch. It’s

also best if you see them all in the shortest amount of time possible. Don’t sleep. In fact, you should try to

break your record for how long you can stay awake. But be careful. Technically you can survive longer

without food than you can without sleep. After you stay awake for as long as you can, it might be good

idea to make up for that time by trying to break your record for how long you can sleep. It will work.

Trust us. This is science.

Use your time wisely because summer is only twelve weeks long. In this time, you could master a

variety of skills such as unicycling, juggling, bilingualism, 3D chart art, CPR, whittling, chopstick

etiquette, Morse code, and legible handwriting. Also you should learn how to kiss. That is a useful life

skill that you will need.  To make yourself a better kissing target, you should work on understanding the

other gender. If you are a girl, you should learn how to tie a tie, and if you are a boy you should learn to

braid hair. This will exponentially increase your chances of learning to kiss this summer. Trust us. This is

science. Another useful skill would be to learn how to drive a stick shift. This will impress either gender,

and it’s practical!

Congratulations! You are now a successful apprentice of summer. If you do all of these things,

you will most definitely have the most fabulous summer of your life. Feel free to invite your friends to do

any of these activities with you. Make this a summer to remember.