“Sometimes I’m very surprised some of you have lived this long.”   “Y’all think you’re special? I smuggled my 13-year-old...

“Officer, I drop kicked that orphan in self-defense!”   “Go sleep in the Copper Pit before you embarrass yourself again.”   “Your...

“My mustache is soggy.” “This is why we are going to sacrifice you.” “If y’all were hired to be sad, then you would be getting...

“Bro, you need to go back to third grade—you give me depression.”   “I’ll take my shoe off and throw it at you.”   “You...

“I can't say it! The squirrels are listening.”   “As a fat person, I think that chefs are very hot.”   “Well,...

“You have the right to bear arms…and to arm bears!”   “What the heck is a mellophone?”   “New conspiracy: birds...

“Basketballs are not made of rubber!!”   “Is somebody bleeding? Oh wait, that's a pepperoni.”   “How can I attract...

“I have a muffin—my mommy made it for me.” “No wonder your mom doesn’t let you out past 10.”   “Lightly sprinkles...