Disclaimer, neither Bingham Prospector nor any of its affiliates shall be made responsible for the consequences caused by following the gift ideas proposed in this article.

So you don’t want to take out a small loan of a trillion dollars for Christmas. While I can’t help you buy that new game console, I can give you some priceless gift ideas.

• Gift Card

Anyone and everyone appreciates a good ol’ gift card. It’s the perfect pick for the picky person that never likes your presents.

But why buy a gift card when you can make a “gift card?”

Find a piece of paper and draw a present on it. You can even write the word “gift” if you’re lazy. What was once worthless becomes a gift anyone can appreciate!

*This gift idea works best if the giver is five years old or younger.

• Exactly what they asked for

Who wouldn’t want what they asked for? They literally asked for it.

Nothing would make them happier than what they asked for.

So get them nothing. Say this friend wanted a watch. Nothing would make them happier than a watch. Say this friend wanted to marry you. Nothing would make them happier than marrying you. Nothing truly is the best present—it even costs nothing.

• Mug

Some people enjoy presents with a purpose. And, guess what, mugs have a purpose. That makes them the perfect gift for your coffee or hot cocoa drinking friends.

But why buy a mug when you can mug them?

Drink some liquid courage (hot chocolate…what were you thinking?), grab the closest weapon, and kindly ask for their wallet. You get their money; they get a memory they’ll never forget. It’s a win-win.

• A brand new home!

There’s no better feeling than being able to act like Oprah, “You get a new home, and you get a new home!” You’d make that special someone’s day for the low, low price of crippling debt.

But what if I told you that all it took was a heavy object?

Start things off with giving them a wack over the head or two. When they wake up they’ll have a new home in the hospital. A new house and an easy life—what more could they ask for?

• Cereal

Edibles are a safe bet for gifts, as long as you know the receiver’s allergies. But everyone and, well, everyone gives out boring Christmas treats, so you’ll spice things up with some exotic cereal.

And what cereal has a taste more shocking than that of a serial killer?

Start things off by preparing a few corpses. When your friend leaves their house, plant the bodies in their basement. Once everything has been readied to your liking, call the police. If done properly, your friend will be arrested and sentenced to the electric chair. They’ll be shocked for life.

And there you have it, five gift ideas that don’t cost a cent… but may cost your friendships.