“This is pretty good, but on a scale from 1 to Cafe Rio it’s still a 1. Because.. ya know.. Cafe Rio.”

“Smart people are stupid.”

“You walk around with your clipboard observing these creatures we call teenagers.”

“This is not rocket science, guys…okay, maybe it is rocket science, but it’s not that hard.”

“Farts are just explosions of tiny poop schmeckles released into the air.”

“I’m gonna go small and stay home.”

“English is weird, and that is the only reason I can give you.”

“It’s just like Wii sports. Once you step in, it’s real.” 

“Hey, I thought you said you didn’t care about the number 11.”

“If you scholastically desensitize yourself, it’s just smooth sailing from there.”