It’s third grade and you have a giant sheet of lined paper sitting in front of you. You are trying to connect your letters together into this foreign script called cursive. In the background your normally fun third grade teacher is threatening you within inches of your life that you will learn this or you will FAIL school beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Every year throughout our childhood, our teachers lied through their teeth, saying it would take blood sweat and tears to pass high school with even a D+. Upon arrival your sophomore year, shaking as you were, you surely discovered that everything your teachers had ever told you was a lie…
Each grade was told a different lie about the future, and there is an extensive list of them:
Elementary School Lies
You will have to “hold it” for hours on end because your teachers will not let you go to the bathroom when you leave here.
Cursive is not only the most important thing you will ever learn, everything you turn in will be in it, or else you can be saying hello to failure.
There will be no chewing gum.
“We are preparing you for middle school!” Pretty sure nothing could have prepared you for the horror that was middle school.
Middle School Lies
You will get after school detention for sneezing incorrectly.
You will have to know the square root of 9,269,345 off the top of your head because high school teachers think calculators are the root of all evil… no pun intended.
Keyboarding: The most important thing you will ever do. Ever.
“I’m not going to teach this because you will learn it in high school.” You have been ripped off the end of every Great American story ever. Spoiler alert: America won the war.
You cannot text during lunch in high school. Learn to read your tweets in the patterns of your french fries.
You cannot have water bottles on your person. So not only can you not be a part of common reality on the internet, you’re also going to dehydrate.
In high school, you will have to write a 10 page research paper every other day. If it is even a line less than 10 full pages, you will fail.
High School Lies
You will never have time to eat, sleep, date, drink, breathe, walk to the mailbox or have a shadow of a life, because every waking hour you have will be spent doing homework when you go to college.
Take 10 pages of notes in every single class or else you will fail the final exam.
Start running wind sprints now, you will need the practice to get to class on time.
While you’re training to sprint to class, lift some weights. You will have to carry a textbook for all eight of your classes everywhere you go.
There will be no extra credit, so basically, say hello to a 1.2 GPA.
Hey, this calculus: even if you’re a garbage man, you will use it, everyday.
We treat you in high school like they treat you in the real world.
This may be a rude awakening to some of you, but hopefully you’re now able to realize that a lot of what you have ever learned was a lie. If this is a little much to handle, turn to your friends for comfort and your enemies for understanding. Then again, they’ll probably lie too when they pat you on the back and tell you everything will be okay.
