Inanimate objects and I hold a reciprocal dislike for each other, although, to be fair, maybe it’s more of a healthy respect for them on my end. I try to keep them at a polite distance as often as humanly possible; the sad truth is that I can’t avoid them – they’re everywhere. I have this awful tendency to run into poles, desks, counters, doors, walls, chairs, the end of my bed, cars, display cases, mailboxes, and anything else that can possibly be run into. I somehow manage to hit my head on bookshelves, car doors, and random things that happen to be at head-level. Some say I’m clumsy; I prefer “thorough.” I blame it on the fact that inanimate objects move to get in my way and make my life infinitely harder – so much for “inanimate.”

Gym class is the ultimate struggle with inanimate objects. Athletic equipment in all shapes, colors, and forms are a recipe for disaster when I’m the cook. Getting nailed in the face with a basketball, running into volleyball poles, and tripping over my shoelaces (that obviously untied themselves) make for a very entertaining gym class for everyone who gets to watch me, though not so entertaining on my end.

I swear that inanimate objects just hate me. They trip me, randomly fly at my head when I happen to be in the way, and make me look incredibly incompetent. They always show up at the most inconvenient of times (like when a certain someone is watching), and I just have to hope that someone will think I look attractive despite my klutziness. However, my ineptness is far beyond “cute,” like that of Anna from Frozen. It has gotten to the point where I can only barely get by with blaming it all on inanimate objects. I am starting to think that my case is entirely hopeless, and I’m pretty dang close to giving up altogether.

What truly blows my mind is that not everyone has these same struggles. It is a well-known fact that *87% of people struggle like I do with inanimate objects. The other 13% of people have me endlessly jealous and need to give me advice, or it looks as if I’ll be beyond hope for life.

*53.7% of statistics used in this article were made up by Hannah White and Alli Milne.