Dear Boys,

Listen. We know you think we’re crazy and so extremely confusing. You’re probably on to something there. But let’s be clear here: there are things you really should have figured out by now.

First off, we’re not in love with you— at least not most of the time. If you compliment us, text us first, or ask us on a date, we don’t think you’re in love with us, and as hard as this might be to believe, we’re not in love with you. So stop cringing, crying, and arrogantly believing that if you so much as glance our way we’ll swoon and write about you in our diaries. Trust us; we’re not doing that. Don’t be afraid to be nice. We’re going to take it as a nice gesture, not as a marriage proposal. Cool it.

Think before you speak. We can hold onto things for decades that you forget you said after an hour. So, do a quick check before you say anything. Ask yourself, “Could this potentially scar this girl for the rest of her life and lead to inhibition until her deathbed?” If the answer is yes, maybe, or even “I’m not sure,” do NOT say the thing.

Stop using us to get to other girls you don’t talk to. Do you think we don’t realize what you’re doing when you pretend to be our friends and then turn around and say, “Hey, I think your friend Patricia is pretty cute. Can I get her number?” No, you can not get Patricia’s number. Do your own dirty work. Also, why do you even have crushes on girls you’ve never talked to in the first place? That’s like craving Limburger cheese because it looks good. But guess what? Limburger cheese tastes like feet.

Please quit acting like you’re cooler than the underside of a pillow. There is no need to walk around acting like your muscles are too big to rest comfortably at your sides. We can actually see you checking yourself out in your window reflection. We don’t think you’re neat when you boast about friend zoning a girl. Who told you it was attractive to brag, and how do they sleep at night? Be humble. It works.

Please just be respectful. Albert Einstein once said, “I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.” Follow his golden advice and don’t treat us like trash.

Okay, okay. That was brutal. We get that you’re probably tired of forever being labeled as careless idiots by tweets, TV shows, and teenage girls. We know you’re not all dumb, kind of like how not all of us are highly emotional, passive, hair-obsessed females who are unable to open jars. You’ve got excuses. According to Time magazine, girls have more connections across the two hemispheres of the brain than boys. This causes their brains to work more efficiently and mature more quickly. So yes, you mature slower, but maybe—just maybe—that makes you a little more fun and easy-going. When you patiently sit through our rants and tell us we’re not insane, set aside your dignity to make us laugh, open the door for little old ladies, let kids use you as their own personal jungle gym, and laugh at our jokes, we can’t deny that you’re great. So keep doing those things. And dang it, just go ask Barbara out.

XOXO,

Girls