Hello, I am Jayven Thompson, and it goes without saying, this may be the most important article you will EVER read. It could save your life, or save your lifelong wellbeing and happiness. I hope this changes your mind AND your life. Rather, I know it will.

Green. What do you think of when you hear the word green? Barf, mold, Larry (from Veggie Tales), or maybe even green beans? That’s what crosses my mind, and what do they all have in common? They are all completely and utterly nasty.

Green is just an unappetizing color. Jenn David Connolly, an expert in creative strategy for gourmet food brands, says, “Green connotes health; however, it can also be unappetizing.” So why would you eat something that, as well and not looking good, is not good? Green vegetables are so bad that even self-proclaimed vegetarian Natalie Jackson’s favorite vegetable is not a green one: “I am a vegetarian and my favorite vegetable is not green; it’s a carrot.” I don’t eat green vegetables and neither should you. 

And now a word from our local pepper expert, Rachael Nufer: “I really like peppers, but if you ask me, a pepper expert, green peppers are the worst ones.” Thank you Rachael for having a correct opinion.

In fact this all becomes clearer when you do your research. There are multiple psychological reasons for this. Million dollar companies even use this psychology when advertising, avoiding using the color green as it doesn’t get as much attention as others, especially for restaurant logos. When trying to be appetizing, look at any restaurant logo, what do you see? Red and yellow everywhere! They know what I know: green is gross, especially in vegetables.

It goes even deeper, even down to our DNA and makeup. Do you ever wonder why the majority of kids avoid green veggies more than the others? And don’t try to tell me you weren’t one of them; I know you’re lying. There is a scientific reason for this. Vegetables have a bitter compound in them that our bodies are programmed to avoid. Russell Keast, a professor in sensory and food science and director of the Centre for Advanced Sensory Science at Deakin University, states, “If you go outside and pick up a leaf, put it in your mouth and chew it, it’s invariably going to be bitter. That’s because we’ve got a system which says it may be dangerous.” He later explains that the reason for this is that “In fact, it was often that plant foods contained compounds that may be harmful, so some more bitter foods, like brussel sprouts, triggered natural protective responses long ingrained in our DNA.” After that, I have one question for you: why would you eat vegetables that our bodies are built and programmed to help us avoid? It’s saving you from a world of hurt. No green veggies!

The number one vegetable you need to avoid is kale. In a study done by the FDA, they showed that “Kale contained 10% to 80% more pesticide residues by weight than any other fruit or vegetable.” Of all the fruits and vegetables, the main one to avoid is GREEN. And to solidify this evidence for you, in a quick interview with Cale Montoya, “I genuinely hate green food, too.” If I were you, I would take the dude-named-after-a-vegetable’s word for it.

I will admit, maybe there are a few exceptions to my no green veggie rule. Notably and solely, it’s lettuce. It works with a lot of things, not very well alone though. It has to be a piece of something to be good.

If everything I have said hasn’t convinced you, this is my last ditch effort to use your own word, and your peers’ words against you. I took an anonymous survey on favorite vegetables. The results of which were overwhelmingly carrot, a non-green vegetable. In fact, out of all 61 people that responded to my survey 70% of the vegetables named were not green vegetables. If nothing I could say convinced you, just remember 70% of people are judging you.

So in the words of Kermit the frog, “It isn’t easy being green,” and, of course, he was talking about green vegetables. Because they’re gross.