*This is a satirical article written as a parody of “A Modest Proposal” by Sir. Jonathan Swift. In no way shape or form does Bingham High School endorse the removal of any sports fields to make room for parking or cannibalism.
It is a depressing sight to those who attend Bingham high, when they see the parking lots crowded with cars, followed by three, four, or six others. These vehicles, instead of being able to drive like sane humans, are forced to fight bumper-to-bumper for the opportunity to escape the premises of this establishment, only to then drive just as recklessly out on the road and inspire the unlicensed sophomores who, as they grow up, either turn into just as dangerous drivers, or avoid driving all together for fear of what they saw in the parking lot.
I think it is agreed by all parties that the meager size of our parking lots and the large number of terrified pedestrians is an additional problem in the current state of our school district; and therefore, whoever could find a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these parking lots a safe and usable option for drivers would be deserving of a statue in their honor.
But when people talk about improving the size of the parking lots, one obstacle is always brought up; the sports fields. The track, the football field, and the baseball field, all the only things standing between us as students, and the parking lot of our dreams.
Personally, having thought on the subject for many months, and maturely weighed the several schemes of our projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their planning. It’s true, the sports fields are in the way of further extending the parking lots. But it is the sports fields that I propose will provide for our school in such a manner, as, instead of being an obstacle for drivers and construction planners, they shall, on the contrary, contribute to the size of the parking lot.
It is with this I assert that to improve the state of our wonderful school’s parking, we are to remove any and all sports fields, and replace them with extended parking for the students of our school.
There is likewise another great advantage to my scheme, that we could eat the sports players and coaches, as there is no need for them without their field to practice and play on. This would not only stop the horrid practice of students going hungry without a breakfast or lunch, but would as well increase the number of free parking spaces as the sports players would no longer be driving, as they would be the aforementioned lunch.
The number of souls in this school being usually reckoned two thousand and a half, of these I calculate there may be about one thousand drivers; from which number I subtract three hundred, who are able to park on the street or leave the school early, but this being granted, there will remain a seven hundred parkers. I again subtract two hundred for those who carpool, leaving us a number of five hundred parkers. The question therefore is, how this number shall be reared and provided for? Which, as I have already said is utterly impossible under the current present situation of affairs.
The size of our football and baseball field combined is double the size of a standard parking lot, if not larger. A simple renovation of that space would completely remove our predicament, for not only our generation but for future generations to come. If we chose to do so, we could turn the gymnasium into yet another extension of the parking lot, or better, a second cafeteria serving the sports teams for lunch and breakfast.
It is here I humbly leave this proposal to your consideration. In my eyes, the decision is simple. I profess that I have no the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my school.
