“Sometimes I’m very surprised some of you have lived this long.”

“Y’all think you’re special? I smuggled my 13-year-old brother in and passed him off as a sophomore!”

“Here, let me give you a cute little moustache kiss.”

“Oh yay! Now I can go to Penn State instead of the State Pen!”

“Here, watch this highly educational Velveeta commercial.”

“Dude, please call me back, I’m depressed and surrounded by luggage.”

“Guys, the pirates took my grades hostage!”

“No, I’m okay, this is just my second energy drink and I think I can feel my brain vibrating.”

“I just convinced two 9-year-olds that if they never return the pencils their teachers lend them, the school will eventually go bankrupt and they won’t have to go.”

“Well, we’ll have fun in Heaven without you.”

“Guys, Pinocchio is an airbender!”