“When you’re this ugly, who cares if you don’t have pants on??”

“I watch chick flicks all the time. It’s a guide to women.”

“I’m basically just Christian Bale, not gonna lie.”

Friend 1: GLASS HALF FULL OR GLASS HALF EMPTY YOU CHOOSE 

Friend 2: NO GLASS HALF PARTY TIME

“It’s not vandalism if it’s beautiful.”

“I don’t have a criminal record…not yet anyhow.”

“This instrumental…it’s making me…mental.”

“Oh no, my Taylor Swift playlist is gone.”

“My doctor says I have the cardio rate of a horse.”

“I’m more concerned about the fact that I am deceased.”