Tips for a Successful Secession


Tyler Monson, Staff Writer

After Election Day, the polls close and the nation boasts its newly-chosen leader, parading them through the streets with pride. While this is all fine and dandy, this year after the Obama re-election the country seemed…more divided than usual. Individuals from forty states have circulated petitions for secession from the union this past month, Utah included. While these treasonous documents are invariably doomed to fail, it’s interesting to ponder how our state would go about starting a new country. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not endorsing this course of action in any way, I’m an American tried and true, this is all strictly hypothetical:

Picture this: Utah has successfully seceded from the Union with its petty petition…now what?

Firstly, the public would need to be won over. This would be most easily accomplished by giving the citizens material possessions. Something like a Koala might do the trick…after all there’s nothing like a good marsupial to please the general populace. And if that’s not enough, simply supply each household with free Wi-Fi and then everyone’s content with this new country.

Now that all of Utah is on board, we would have to come up with all the things that make a country successful. First of all we would need a good national anthem, the Utah state song is simply too dated. To make this hypothetical country thrive, we need a refrain that we could all get behind, bringing citizens to tears each time it’s sung at basketball games and our independent Super Bowl. I would suggest Francis Scott Key to coin such an immortal verse, but seeing as he is dead, the Osmunds and David Archuleta are both viable local alternatives.

After the Utah national anthem is coined, and everyone has their own Koala it’d be time to get down to business. We would need to expand our national borders by adopting Idaho, New Mexico, Arizona and Nevada into this new country. We may let Wyoming in, simply to make our country look bigger and to utilize its expansive badlands for nuclear waste disposal. Getting California to join would be a lost cause; we would be better suited if we directed our attention to the east, with Texas joining shortly after a constitution is drafted.

Next we would need to select a President. To capture the spirit of rebellion, the candidate must be robust, a defiant speaker, and classy with a little bit of stubble. Picture Indiana Jones as a politician.

Of course all of the current governors would be taken into account for the position…John Huntsman may run anyways…and after a one week primary and a two week Presidential election we would have our leader. This process would be fast and efficient, like ripping off a Band-Aid, and it would spare our TVs from incessant attack ads. The money saved from campaigning would be better spent on building our infant economy.

It is assumed that those pesky Americans will try to bring Utah’s thriving Koala-based consumer economy back into their country. In order to combat them, a short and glorious battle may ensue. Utah could easily utilize the Great Salt Lake as a naval battleground.

It would be East against West, resulting in a few minor skirmishes. This war can only end with us coming back to the USA and getting a slap on the wrists for thinking we could leave so easily, and things may return to normal after a few months of reconstruction.

If nothing, we would get free Wi-Fi and our names in a history book.