Warning Labels: Protecting Imbeciles

Braden Powell, Online Editor

When you order a hot chocolate, the inevitable will happen. You will receive your hot chocolate, and guess what? It’ll be – hot. Very hot. It’s called “HOT chocolate” after all. So why do companies have to print warnings on their cups that say “Caution: contents may be hot” on them? Because some people lack enough common sense. These people, and others sometimes have the desire to take advantage of companies and sue for money. Someone received a hot chocolate and they did something, maybe spilled it on him/herself. A couple days later a constable showed up delivering lawsuit papers to the company. The company ends up losing the case to this…genius, and a LOT of money. Making this punk a millionaire in the process. Is it wrong?

If you’re the dude that just made millions because you spilled a cocoa on your pants, then no! If you’re the company that just lost millions of dollars over spilled cocoa, then yes! No one owes me money if I don’t have enough common sense to understand that my HOT chocolate is actually going to be HOT! It’s wrong to sue a company because they didn’t tell you your hot chocolate was going to be hot! Liquid chocolate is just one example of this warning label ridiculousness. We all know those warning signs that are just telling people to use common sense. I saw a 500 piece puzzle the other day, and it said on the box “Warning: some assembly required” Isn’t that the whole point of a puzzle? To assemble it?

My first thought is that we remove these common sense warnings. Survival of the fittest. Natural selection. Let those who lack common sense learn their lessons. Let’s save ink. If you file a lawsuit because they “didn’t warn you that putting your hand on the wrong end of a chainsaw was a bad idea” then I’m sorry, but those who have the common sense should not have to carry the burden of your stupidity.

This all sounds great in theory. But what if these warning signs aren’t just to protect the senseless people, but also to protect the smart ones? After pondering the subject, I have come to the conclusion these labels are necessary. If someone is buying a gun for the first time and they have absolutely no idea what they are doing with this potentially dangerous thing, I want warning labels all over it so I don’t get shot! If someone is cooking food for me, I want labels on the meat telling them to avoid cross-contamination. I don’t want to have a sick stomach when someone doesn’t know anything about meat. Thank goodness we have these warning labels. We salute you, warning labels, for protecting us from the half-baked imbeciles of this world.*

* If you don’t understand the last sentence, PLEASE DO NOT OPERATE A CHAINSAW!