The Invasion of Alien Parasites

Alli Milne, Op/Ed Editor

It’s the basis of nearly every movie, nearly every book, nearly every song. The relationship between boy and girl has fascinated society for millennia. It’s always romanticized, whether it’s the first moments, the “I’m passionately in love with you” stage, or the “it’s over, this song will let you know I want you to sink into a deep dark place” stage.

Everybody who’s heard one of these songs or seen one of those movies hopes for that feeling, and wants it for their friends– Until it happens. When it does, it’s like War of the Worlds. The person you had the honor and privilege of calling your best friend suddenly acts as though you never existed. As though you are an inferior species to this new individual with a complimentary set of chromosomes. It’s the invasion of the alien parasites we like to call love.

The worst part of the invasion is that it seems to spread like wildfire. Once one of your friends succumbs, it’s just a matter of time until the rest of you suffer the same fate. And it doesn’t matter how many times you tell yourself you’re immune to the invasion, convincing yourself you’ll just slip under the radar, it’ll get you too. You can tell yourself that you’ve built up an immunity to the alien parasite from all the times you caught it before and nearly suffered your emotional spectra’s demise, but the fact is: they’re vicious. They can’t take no for an answer and they’ll almost certainly get you, too.

You can’t prevent it, you can’t prepare and the horror of it is that you can feel yourself going under, just watching time go past as you slowly develop this inhuman need to devote yourself to someone else.You become that friend and it doesn’t matter how many times you promise yourself it’ll always be sisters before misters, you find yourself going back on your word.

The parasite of love has a vicious reproductive cycle, once it gets hold of your mind, it’ll take the rest of you too, rendering you incapable of making logical decisions, incapable of a standard heart palpitation pattern, taking you down at the knees and giving your eyes this unfortunate need to wander towards what the alien parasite has deemed the object of your affections.

They will overtake humanity and soon we’ll have to post signs on our edifices bearing the timeless words of Dante Alighieri, “Abandon all hope; ye who enter here.”