IRL Bumper Cars at Bingham (Satire)


Photo Credit: Syd Alexander, Horrible parking at the front of the school.

*Disclaimer: This article is written as satire, and uses fake names and made up people.


Guess what! For only $20 you can play bumper cars here at Bingham!

You’re waking up, just wanting to drink your morning pick me up in first period and driving to school, blasting your 2022 Wrapped, and suddenly it hits you. You left your house five minutes later than you usually do, and you are now stuck in the line on 104 South that seems to be longer than the sophomores’ relationships. We all know the feeling of arriving late to school and finding a spot is just like learning that the ice cream machine at an unnamed food location is working. The Bingham parking lot has never been easy to maneuver, especially because it’s the same size as the options at the vending machines, and there will always be that one annoying kid trying to park on sophomore row and managing to cut off both lanes of traffic. So how do we navigate this morning travesty in the coldest and darkest season of the year? Here are five tips to help:

1) Leave your house earlier than you think you need to. Unfortunately, some parents still haven’t realized the concept of how many entrances there are to the front lot and will continue to drop off their kids via backing up the left turn lane. Leaving five minutes earlier than you think you need to (especially when there is snow) can save you a lot of choice words later in your morning.

2) Please don’t crash. Avoiding it is the best option. Driving in the snow is already terrifying, but Chad, you don’t need to go your usual 10 over the speed limit when it’s slick. In the science class you were supposed to go to, you would have learned that water freezes when it is under 32 degrees. Therefore, under that fluffy white stuff, can and will be a sheet of black ice. Going slower, especially when you’re driving your front-wheel drive travesty that is older than you, is the smart decision. Please do not speed, according to the law, but especially when it’s snowing. I’m sure your first and fifth period teachers would rather have you asleep in class than be like Sleeping Beauty at the wheel. Sometimes when you are driving in snow it is an amazing idea to go slower than you think. This may mean you need to go 10+ under the speed limit depending on conditions.

3) Like we have already established, there can be a sheet of ice underneath fresh white snow. Therefore, slamming on your brakes will not work, Brittany. When you need to slow down or stop on ice, make sure to tap on your brakes. This will help make sure you don’t hit anyone in front of you when trying to get to the priso… I mean school. Ice can be a scary thing while driving, and you can spin out at any time. Make sure to pay attention and keep Harry Styles a couple notches lower when it comes to the volume. 

4) Make sure you are off the range by 3:00 or your car could be totaled by sophomores who can’t seem to remember what is the brake and what is the gas. This is why Jenson needs his own brake on the passenger side. One thing that we cannot stress enough is that the 15-year-olds do not know how to drive, so why would you trust your homework with these children. 

5) The best part of winter is that dusty stuff that sits on your car after school. Please remove that before driving or else you could potentially get into an accident. I know how annoying it is to have your hands almost freeze off, but your parents will thank you for not destroying their car. 

Photo Credit: Syd Alexander, Bingham students walk into school trying not to slip on the frozen ground.

We made sure to check in with a couple of Bingham students who are well known in the Bingham parking lot; in fact, they are Instagram famous. Chad, 16, one of the regulars on BHS Bad Parking Instagram page said, “You need to make sure to park on the sidewalk. People might give you weird looks but that’s okay, because your truck is worth the space.” Chad loves his truck and speeding; in fact, he is well known in the community for his speeding records! Make sure to keep an eye out for Chad on the roads and sidewalks. If you see make sure to ask him if he is compensating for something!

The Prospector was lucky because we were able to have the absolute honor of being graced with Brittany’s presence. Brittany is also Instagram famous; she loves that every time she opens her Instagram she can see her face plastered all over bad parking accounts. In fact, she was recently able to announce that, “My daddy bought me my seventh Jeep in the past 8 months, all because I went a whole month accident-free!” Brittany is super excited about her new record of how long she went without getting into an accident. “I am kind of upset that I messed up this last time, but it’s okay because we all need to improve on our talents of texting and driving!” Brittany would like all of our readers to know that, “texting and driving is a difficult thing to master, however after some practice and a couple cars, you can do it very well!” 

Overall, the Bingham parking lot might still be the nightmare of all juniors and seniors, but hopefully these tips will help you navigate it just a little easier throughout this dreary winter.