“Nope, not that one. Well, that’s definitely too short. Gross, what is that? What the—who would wear that?” These shrieks can be heard in any temporary Halloween costume store, harmonizing with the house decorations that are attempting to scare any costumers into buying them.
In the last weeks before Halloween, it’s a daunting task to find something decent in the costume department that has invaded the seasonal storefront. From overly sexualized costumes to just plain bad names, the selection can be horrifyingly entertaining.
Anything and everything can be provocative these days, and costume stores specifically stock them because they sell. Take for example the “Classic Snow White” costume found at Halloween City. It is a genuinely well-crafted costume, with higher quality fabrics and accuracy to the 1937 Disney movie, except for one detail—the skirt stopped at least a foot above the knees. Yes, so very classic.
Sexy doctor, sexy referee, and somewhere out there a sexy banana costume is just waiting to be bought. Sure enough, yandy.com sells a yellow mini-dress with a zipper up the front and little flaps of lighter fabric to represent the inside of the peel.
But it doesn’t just end at produce. Some of the more notable are “Sassy Squaw” and “Pocahottie,” two sexy “Indian” costumes that simultaneously mock Native American culture and flaunt the wearer’s skin.
Even better are the hilarious names which consist of anything from bad wordplay, to misguided references, to purposely wrong spelling.
“Bloodstone Vampire” refers to a black and red vampire dress. Upon further research (which the person who named this costume clearly didn’t do), a bloodstone is a dark green stone with some red streaks, whose original and primary purpose was to stop nosebleeds. So…Nosebleed Vampire. Bravo!
Another memorable costume was “Robyn Da Hood,” which would be relatively accurate if Robin Hood had lived in modern-day ghetto of LA. Some are just spelled badly. “Kute Kandy Korn Witch” clearly demonstrates that adding k’s to all words that begin with “c” makes you instantly trendier. “Devil Grrrl” is an example of onomatopoeia. Others, like “Ship Happens” play on every teenager’s elementary amusement with profanity.
And finally, there are the copyright-avoiders. It is glaringly obvious what franchise they are attempting to imitate, but for some reason they still name it something else. The “Wizard Wanda” costume is a grey mini dress that is supposed to look like a school uniform, complete with “wizard school logo,” a red-and-gold striped tie, and a pair of round glasses. The “Love at First Bite” Wig whose model has strikingly pale skin, pronounced cheekbones, and perfect hair.
But hey, even though most high school girls don’t need a costume to be a “Valley Girl” for Halloween, there aren’t many other places you could buy realistic fake blood and an oversized butt. “Oh, wait, maybe that one!”
