Sappy lyrics about trucks and backroads. Endless stories about breakups. The truth is, everyone likes to make fun of country music, even those of us that listen to it. But there are a lot of different sub-genres of country music, each with their own particular things of which to take notice.

Our first sub-genre of country music is patriotic country. Including songs such as ‘Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue’ by Toby Keith and ‘God Bless the USA’ by Lee Brice, you can hear this music blaring from speakers every Fourth of July. If my life were a patriotic country song, first I’d need a dramatic makeover. I’d go to the gym and get ripped, get a bald eagle tattooed across my newly massive chest, and cover my arms with military insignias. Then, I’d need a new wardrobe: an American flag tank top torn in half to reveal the bald eagle taking flight from my chest, combat boots and camouflage pants. I’d buy myself a massive truck, probably a 1776 Ford F850 and fly some American flags out of the bed.

Next up, we have the kind of country that everyone likes to make fun of: party country. Filled with pounding beats and stereotypical lyrics about drinking and dancing and driving down backroads.

If my life were a party country song like ‘Kick the Dust Up’ by Luke Bryan, ‘Drunk on a Plane’ by Dierks Bentley and ‘House Party’ by Sam Hunt, I’d start with finding every club and honky-tonk and county-line bar within a hundred-mile radius so I could spend all of my spare time at the bar, drinking Jack Daniels and trying to pick up girls. As soon as I managed to dance with a girl, we’d go out to my truck and spend the rest of the night driving down backroads (Are there really that many backroads in the South?), pedal to the metal. And when we get pulled over, we’ll only get a warning from the blue lights, because no one in country music ever gets a ticket.

And now, we have sappy country. Different from sad country which talks about girls after they break up with us, and after party country stage of picking up girls at honky-tonks, supposing we actually manage to get girls when our primary pickup line is “hey girl”, this talks about what we’re going to do after we get those girls. Songs like ‘Die a Happy Man’ by Thomas Rhett, ‘Perfect Storm’ by Brad Paisley and ‘Love Like Crazy’ by Lee Brice exemplify this sub-genre.

If my life were a sappy country song, I’d go out and learn how to play a few chords on a guitar, then pick up a girl and sing her love songs all the time. Presumably, she would fall madly in love with me, then we would get married and live happily ever after.

Unless my life were like a sad country song like ‘Watching Airplanes’ by Gary Allen, ‘Mine Would Be You’ by Blake Shelton, or ‘Just To See You Smile’ by Tim McGraw. Even after all I could do, she still leaves me and I’m stuck at home wiping the teardrops from my guitar. I wallow in my own self-pity for a couple days and drive around town looking for her. According to Gary Allen, I might even ‘watch airplanes as they take off and fly, wonder which one she might be on, and why she don’t love me anymore’. But eventually, there’s only so much time that I can play my guitar pathetically on the street corner before my buddies come and start helping me get over her.

And the cycle starts over again. I pick myself up off the street, grab my guitar, and head to the bar with my buddies, where I have a few drinks, lose my inhibitions, and start dancing again.