Heard it in the Halls

“Sometimes it just smells like school lunch.”


“He is a good guy—he opened the door for me.” 

“But he cheated on you.”


“Would you still love me if I was a fish?” 

*Without hesitation* “No.”


“You gotta punch a dirtbag every so often.”


“If I don’t finish, you can set my house on fire.”


“Stop being cheap—give me money.”


“My little army of infants.”


“You’re the type of person that would tell a kid Santa isn’t real.”

“Wait he isn’t?”




“And then I’m all like: ‘Find the way of the angle. The wangle if you will.’”


“I have to keep reminding myself he’s not really a reindeer!”