How to: Be the Worst Date

How+to%3A+Be+the+Worst+Date

Megan Monson and Tiffany Hartley

     Most people have those bad date stories where it seems everything went wrong. Being the worst date ever is actually quite simple and very entertaining; granted, it will only make you enemies so use sparingly. It is usually not the best choice and should be used only as a last resort, but some instances call for it. So be prepared, in case such instances arise.

Step 1: Get a date

     Obviously this is an important step to being an awful date. (See also How to Get the Hottest Date or How to Flirt)

Step 2: Don’t get all beautified

     Don’t do anything more than you would do if you were staying home. Just roll out of bed and go. Don’t even brush your hair… or your teeth. Brushing your teeth is a big no no.

Step 3: When they pick you up, act indifferent

     Don’t give them a hello hug. Introduce them to your mother and let her in on your plan. Make sure she freaks out as much as possible and have her set an early curfew.

     Use lots of “I don’t knows” and “sures.” One word answers are your best friends in this case. Indifference is key to making your date frustrated with you.

Step 4: Continue acting indifferent until further notice.

     Indifference is hard, but if you suddenly go from indifferent to overly happy you’ll freak them out, and you might accidentally make them like you.

Step 5: Don’t let them open the door/ don’t open the door.

      Guys: Ignore chivalry. She can open her own door just fine. She might hate you for a few minutes, but that may be the effect you’re going for.

      Girls: Rush to open your own door. You are an independent woman; you don’t need a man to treat you like you’re fragile. Maybe hit him with the door in your rush to open it; this will discourage all thoughts of chivalry.

Step 6: Be completely impolite at dinner

Some suggestions

 include:

•    Order the priciest thing possible

     o     If nothing is pricey enough order the smallest thing you can, side soups or salads work well

     o     Order spaghetti if possible or other messy foods

•    Don’t finish your meal

•    Complain about your food

•    Gargle your water or slurp your soup

•     Text the whole time, or just pretend to be texting

•     Laugh obnoxiously loud and high-pitched at nothing in particular

•    Carry on a conversation with your ex via text and possibly get back together with said ex

•     Flirt with the waiter/waitress

•    Make them pay, even if you asked them

•    Go to the bathroom and don’t come back for an unreasonable amount of time

Step 7: Be suspiciously quiet as long as possible and when you do speak ask the most personal questions you can find.

     Conversation can be seen as flirting and you don’t want that. Make your date think you do not enjoy their company. Personal questions give great insights into your date’s life. It will make conversations awkward and leave a bad impression.

Step 8: Ignore your date and talk to everyone else

     You can’t be silent for too long without going crazy. Talk to the other couples or the family across the room. By doing so, you ostracize your date and ensure they have a bad experience.

Step 9: Stop being indifferent and start being overly emotional

     Start crying out of the blue. Hysteria is actually helpful. A two year old tantrum is usually socially unacceptable but to be the worst date ever you have to use it to your advantage.

Step 10: Try to avoid a door step scene altogether

     Again don’t let them open the door. Try saying something along the lines of “see ya!” and running –full-on sprint—for your house. If they should catch up to you continue to step 11.

Step 11: If they go for a hug give them a handshake or pat their head

      This will reaffirm their status in the friend zone, making it completely awkward and leaving a disappointing last impression, guaranteeing your spot as the worst date ever.