How to: Be a Disney Princess

Kason Eggers, Staff Writer

It is very difficult to be a Disney Princess, but it’s possible. There are few talents and characteristics that you must have. First off, you need to be naturally born with looks that could kill. The fairest of them all, the damsel in distress. Second, you need to be an animal whisperer, someone who can talk to animals; which happens to be your best friend. The animals also magically already know how to dance to songs. They are all synchronized with their steps and they can clean while dancing and singing at the top of their lungs. Not only can the animals sing but you can also sing extremely high with perfect pitch. You can sing so high that you can break glass.

Next, you will need to have an awful family life whether it’s: high expectations as a daughter, mean parents and siblings, or an unexpected death in the family. So it looks like you have the worst life in the world; therefore, this makes people feel bad for you. If you live in South Jordan, you are probably having a dang good life, so you may have to move. Next, a stud and a half will bump into you, literally. Then slow motion kicks in, love song starts in the background, boom! “love at first sight” happens. Then some dreadful event happens in your life and everyone around you is on an adventure and willing to risk their life for you. Hence the looks that could kill.

During this dramatic event, somehow, this brings you closer to your stud and a half. You are literally closer to him: his arms are wrapped around you, slow motion begins, music in the background starts, and an awkward no blinking contest. It gets interrupted with the villain saying some snarky comment like, “oh so you like each other, even better for when one of you dies,” and then one final epic battle seen. You manage to kill an evil villain, but it looks as though they magically disappear. The wedding ceremony starts which is nice but, we also forget to mention the benefits of getting married to a man that has a lot of money and inheritance. A.K.A., instead of you being the slave, you are now the ruler of the slaves.  Like always it must end with “Happily Ever After.”