How to: Get Rich Quick


Megan Peterson and Allie Coats

Option A: Rob a Bank

Step 1. Acquire a ski mask. I would advise you to attain it through legal means, as you are about to embark upon a task that could include a lot of back lash through the legal system. It is wise to stay between the restrictions of the law.

Step 2. Pick a target. You want at least a state of difference between your home and this bank. (Suggestion: Nebraska) You should also pick a bank that resides in a more “small town” sort of area. Can I say less security? Thank you very much.

Step 3. Set a date. This is very important. Much like planning a wedding, the date is a critical moment in a bank robbery. Everything must be perfect. Pack your bag. Lay out your outfit.

Step 4. Plan an escape route. I would suggest a driver that does not speak English. (Probable deniability)

Step 5. Set your plan into action. Remember, get in and get out. This is not a dilly dally sort of a situation. Time is of the essence.

Step 6. Enjoy being glamourous. “You can steal more in a minute than you can make in a lifetime,” said someone wise. Find a remote island and live out the remainder of your rich, rich life however you choose.

Option B: Marry the Money

Step 1. The appropriate wardrobe.  There is nothing worse than an ill-dressed entrepreneur.  Ideas for the ladies include: unrealistically high heels and a dozen or so party dresses (sequins are advised).  For the gentlemen, a skinny black tie goes a long way.

Step 2. “Accidentally” be in the right place at the right time.  The most popular venues for success include yacht clubs, garden parties, or high-end furniture stores.  Look for those dressed most expensively and mingle.  Age is flexible.

Step 3. Acquire the proper target. (See previous article How to Flirt) Love can be a fickle thing.  Don’t stop until the ring is on your finger.

Step 4. Play it safe.  As newlyweds, marriage is bliss.  Don’t let them know your bliss is exclusively fine wine and Benjamins.  However, don’t get sloppy.  Make sure all of the legal documents are in order.

Step 5. Enjoy being glamourous.  “You can marry more in a minute than you can make in a lifetime,” said someone wise.  Either sit back and enjoy your elevated position or arrange a convenient sort of ‘accident’ and live out the remainder of your rich, rich life in peace with whomever you choose.