How to: Lose a Guy (or Girl!) in Six Days

Alli Milne, Op/Ed Editor

In the true conventions of this “must-be-in-a-relationship-so-my-facebook-status-doesn’t-look-awkward-and-I-have-something-to-hashtag-about-and-post-on-instagram-besides-bathroom-selfies-so-my-virtual-friends-don’t-think-I’m-a-cat-lady/forever-bachelor” society in which we live, many girls and guys think they need advice on how to keep that special someone in their life, but maybe what they really need is advice on how to lose them. This is the ultimate list for any and all who don’t know how to break it off with that malignant tumor of a significant other. It’s a simple system really: make them want to break it off with you! For any and all who have six spare days, a lot of self-confidence and no pity: find a guy/girl, grab this list, and buckle up for a crazy week!

Day One: Today you realized you’re an independent woman who “don’t need no man”, congratulations! (Guys, read: an independent man who “don’t need no woman”) It’s time to start a wonderful six step program I like to call “How to Lose a[n individual whose gender shall not be named because it gets ridiculously complicated] in 6 Days.” On day one, start small; we don’t want them to get too suspicious too quickly. Try naming something beloved to them with a really awful name and use it until even you’re sick of it. That truck he never lets you drive named Rachel? Pick any man’s name you won’t want to use for your future children and have at it. Her secret diary she named Mr. Darcy? Start calling it Mr. Collins. It’s a reference most of you boys won’t get, but trust me, it’s effective.

Day Two: Now that you’ve driven the first nail into the coffin that will heretofore symbolize your relationship at the end of the prescribed six days, it’s time to step it up a notch. All those times you acted interested during a conversation that made you want to stick a thumbtack into your palm until it started bleeding profusely and gave you a reason to abruptly exit? No more. You have one of three options: stop listening and start playing with your phone, get up and leave, or Google it overnight and become such an aficionado on all the reasons they’re wrong, they don’t even want to talk about it anymore.

Day Three: Today’s the day of second thoughts. You feel bad for renaming Rachel. You looked up the Mr. Darcy/Mr. Collins issue and now you feel cruel. And you think karma is going to come back at you for your Google tendencies yesterday. Well, no more thoughts of pity for you!! Today is when the real fun starts. Since we’re all up doing homework at 3 A.M. anyway, why not give that lucky individual a call? Or perhaps several? With obsessively long voice messages including lots of pet names, the traits of your future children, and how much more you love your truck than you love them? Oh, yes.

Day Four: Ask them on a date that night. It seems odd, given that we’re trying to dump them off and dinner seems like too good of a deal, but do it anyways. Call ahead and make sure you get the most attractive waiter/waitress they employ to wait on your table. After flirting with the waiter/waitress profusely, order something really messy. By messy I mean getting it everywhere, really should be using those wet-wipes they brought you (don’t even think about touching the wet wipes!) messy. Upon the attractive waiter/waitress bringing you the check, slide it across the table and tell them you forgot your wallet at home, slip the waiter/waitress a wink and your number and leave. (At this point in the evening, it’s totally okay, and even encouraged, to wash your hands.)

Day Five: You’re almost there! There are only a few matters of business to finish up. First off, today is the day you may want to sluff 5th period to pull a reconnaissance mission at his/her house to get your stuff back if y’all had that kind of relationship. If you liked their parents a lot, you may also want to bake them cookies and jot a quick letter of apology. There are a couple options for when exactly you want to complete day five’s festivities: if you have a class together in which the teacher is kind enough to give work time and runs to the bathroom or the vending machines real quick, do it then and substitute the materials in the next part for that Twinkie knock-off brand no one likes. If not, you need to do it at lunch. In fact, lunch is almost preferable. If you don’t have the same lunch as them, use a hall pass. Get the grossest thing they have in the school lunch line (slimy stuff is best) and grab a bottle of water as well (trust me, it’s a precautionary thing). Walk over to your individual and slam down your nasty tray as hard a possible and start accusing them of cheating on you in the loudest possible voice. Once you’re sure you have everyone’s attention, you can choose to weave a web of profanity about them, or just call them a rotten slimy jerk, dump the tray of nastiness on their head, grab the water and walk away quickly. (The water’s for your throat, it takes a lot to snag the attention of the whole cafeteria.)

Day Six: In theory, you should be a free woman/man today! If you had mutual friends, decide who’s taking whose side and take solace in the ones that stayed on yours. If your individual did not take all of your “little” hints, do not pass Go, do not collect $200, and accept that they’re probably going to be your Meryl Streep from Fatal Attraction for the rest of eternity.