How to: Get the Hottest Date

Emily Andersen, Staff Writer

(Men, skip directly to number five)

  • Select a victim.


    It is usually assumed that to have the hottest date, your selected victim must be extremely hot. This is not always true, though. You can select someone of moderate hotness, or even little hotness, so long as they are not completely homely. If your selected date is not exceedingly hot, however, you have to assure that everyone else’s dates are less hot, thereby making your date the hottest. This can be easily done by suggesting people for your friends to ask out. Tell your friend that they would make a perfect couple with said ugly person. It won’t be hard to convince them.

  • Stalk your selected victim. (See last edition’s Motherlode)
  • Initiate flirtation. (See “How to Flirt”)
  • Become good friends.


    Many people seem to think that this is the last step. You’re “just friends” and anything more would be awkward. You do couple things like taking selfies together, holding hands, and even sleeping in each other’s jackets, but you have yet to make this hot person your date! You must continue to step five or else you have accomplished nothing.

  • Ask them out.


There are only four ways to ask someone out, and they have different levels of appropriateness at different times. The first is leaving an awkward shrine on their doorstep that usually involves food and a dumb pun. This is only, ONLY, appropriate for a school dance, and only in Utah. If you ever move, be prepared to ask in person or look like a complete idiot. The second way is to ask in person. This is the ideal way to ask someone on a date. It is absolutely always appropriate in every single situation. Then there is over the phone. This is only appropriate if the date is very last minute. Even in this situation, though, you must call the person. This brings us to the last way, texting. Texting is never appropriate. Even if you’re already steady dating (which you obviously aren’t because you’re reading this) you should always call. A real, voice conversation is always better.