Winning at Being Asocial


Hannah White, Op/Ed Editor

If you’ve always wanted to be seen as asocial, you’re in luck. Here is our handy three-step program to becoming asocial in only three weeks!

Step One: Netflix.

Whether you’re lacking a date or have loads of homework stressing you out, Netflix vows to be your friend for life (as long as you’re willing to pay $7.99/month). No matter who you are, there is something for you on Netflix. If your favorite people are fictional, Netflix has you covered every Friday night. Like a good friend, it even checks up on you if you’ve been watching too long. Netflix doesn’t ask ridiculous questions; Netflix understands.

Step Two: Excuses.

            Yes, you have friends, and yes, you love hanging out with them. But maybe this time you’re not in the mood to go to the football game or the mall; maybe you’d rather spend some time alone than with another person (unless they’re fictional, in which case you would definitely rather spend time with that person than alone). In order to avoid the need to be social here, all you need is a good excuse. Make other plans, like babysitting or a Harry Potter marathon. You don’t even have to make the plans – just say that you have them. Say that your mom won’t let you go. Say you have to help clean the house. Pretend that you didn’t get your friend’s text message. Say that you don’t feel well. There are a plethora of good reasons not to be social. We’ve found that the best excuses are homework, family, and more homework.

Step Three: Assemble Emergency Social Kit.

When all else has failed and you are stuck in a potentially social situation, you just need a pre-assembled emergency kit. In this kit, you need glitter (to throw on people if they try to convince you to be social), a bottle of bubbles (to blow when people try to speak to you), a thick book of poetry (because nothing says “Don’t talk to me” like a book of poetry), a stack of tissues (to pretend you have a bad nosebleed), and a pillow and snuggie (for when worst comes to worst).

In these three easy steps, you will be asocial in no time!*

*WARNING: These steps may lead to a loss of friends (not that important), loss in ability to make new friends, and may cause a Netflix subscription that you’ll never get out of.