If Life Were A: Sports Event

Emily Yates, Online Editor

Crowds screaming your name, pressure sits on your shoulders like the weight of a thousand bricks. You can do it! You gather your nerves and stand up. Every footstep echoes. You extend your hand and drop the homework assignment in the teacher’s basket. Hundreds of screams rage in your ears! Whoops and hollers sound for you!

Can you imagine if every little moment of your life was cheered on, supported by hundreds of people, a huge moment in history?

If life were like international soccer, any homework assignment or chore would become very interesting. Imagine bumping someone’s shoulder in the hall; the world would stop. Every little bump or touch would result in screams of “pain”. Slightly nudging someone gets you a yellow card and a talk from the referee. Every moment would be dramatized to the extreme. Getting asked out on a date would result in running down the hall arms spread wide as you chest bump your best friend. Denial would make anyone crumple on the ground, holding their head like it’s the end of the world. Life would be amusing; people falling to the ground left and right, running down the hall in excitement or screaming in anger.

If life were like a golf game on the other hand, you could expect a few polite claps cheering on your good work. You could also expect a constant narration of your thoughts and actions.  If you get 100% on a test, a small hand gesture of celebration is appropriate. Nobody overreacts, everyone keeps a straight face and politely claps.

Lacrosse or hockey gives everyone around you the right to beat you with their stick, be it a hockey stick or a lacrosse stick, you can expect it to come swinging in your direction with no intention of stopping. Everyone can beat anyone up as long as it’s not a head shot. Head shots mean sitting in a penalty box for five minutes. Life would be a constant struggle to get past the goalie; to make that goal that wins the game. Get past this one thing and life will be perfect.

Swim life would make everything a race against time. Eating dinner just became a competitive sport. Exercise everyday in hopes of beating others time. You want to walk to the store? No, you are running, you have to beat everyone else. Getting groceries? Hurry! You have to beat that old lady to the register! Faster and faster everyday until your time is the fastest.

Cheer or dance life would mean judges pointing out your every flaw, imperfect timing, or wrong move. It would also mean dancing in public is totally acceptable. You are just practicing for your next big dance event. Can’t reach something in the store? Assemble the team and for a pyramid or elevator stance. Everything is reachable with a team. It is also acceptable to wear leotards and tutus in public. Walking down the street turns into cartwheels and back walkovers. Better hope you are flexible enough to fall into the splits in an instant.

Baseball or football life would require agility, speed, and concentration on every minute of every day. You successfully carry a jug of milk into the house? Touchdown! Throw it on the ground and show the world your end zone dance! Get that job promotion? Home run! Run in circles and make sure to touch all of the bases with your arms to the sky. Get back to home base and jump into your team. You are the most valuable player!

Any competitive sport would make life so intense. Even the most menial of tasks like picking up your pencil or scratching an itch would have fans erupting in praise. This would get annoying of course after about the first day, but could you imagine how supported and confident you would feel. No matter how badly you fail a test or embarrass yourself, you’ve got a whole crowd of people encouraging you to get back up and keep trying. Your teammates will help you up and give you every opportunity to succeed. Your opponents don’t stand a chance when you’ve got a whole team and fan club to support you.