Survival of the Fittest: Peanut Butter Edition


Caitlin Hicks, Staff Writer

My sister and I have a moderately sizable age gap between the two of us. She, being the first born, and I, the baby—and favorite—of the family, have about a ten and a half year age difference. There are many tense subjects our time together as siblings has produced; fights about her poor taste in country music, her questionable inclination towards Raoul over the Phantom, and her unfortunate driving skills seem to be the few that regularly occur. There is one particular debate, however, that I don’t believe she, nor I, will ever be able to compromise on: her tendency to choose smooth over crunchy.

Among the many things that my older sister and I have picked our fair share of fights over, crunchy peanut butter tops that list. It seems, perhaps, that from the beginning, we were set on different paths. Here is why my path, a straight and narrow trail that ends with a large jar of Extra Crunchy Jif Peanut Butter, is the most correct of the two.

For obvious reasons, crunchy peanut butter has and always will have a better and superior texture. While smooth peanut butter may seem appealing for various aesthetic reasons, ultimately, the thick and sticky nature of it seems to glue it to your teeth and gums. The crunchy texture of crunchy peanut butter, however, helps to break up some of that thickness, by diverting your attention to the chopped peanuts. By the time you’re done chewing up those loose grains, the remaining residue is nearly gone.

Secondly, crunchy pairs better for an overall experience. Added to a plain and boring, typical PB&J, the crunch adds in a nice variation for effect, and added to a simple snack like celery, or crackers, the change in texture contributes to a positive and symbiotic relationship between you and your peanut butter.

Lastly, crunchy peanut butter separates the strong from the weak. The patience and dedication it requires to sort through the vast and expansive terrain of texture—the courage needed to brave the unknown clumps of peanut butter and peanuts—creates a sort of soldier. Survival of the fittest dictates the weakest genes will be eradicated according to the environment; the harsh political, social, and overall climate of our society demands strength that only die-hard crunchy peanut butter fans can provide.

So, yes, while smooth peanut butter may seem like a more appealing choice, only crunchy peanut butter will prevail.

Also, to my sister—I love you, and I respect your decision to live authentically as a smooth peanut butter advocate, but I won’t rest until your eyes are opened to the truth.