The Milk Conspiracy

Caitlin Hicks, Opinion editor

I, for one, have never been a big fan of sodas. Sure—the cute, retro idea of a glass of soda and a cookie from the local soda shop sounds like a fun idea, but to label it as my favorite beverage? A little cliche, wouldn’t you say? While I think water is severely underrated as one of the best options to, as they say, quench your thirst, I do believe that there are a few other options that, although controversial, are better. Among those few options lies the best: milk. 

Unfortunately, there are those that are, so to speak, genetically inferior in the sense that they can’t properly digest it. Don’t get me wrong: I feel for those poor souls cursed with lactose intolerance, but I can’t help but think that the hate war against milk is simply a hoax, designed to make the strongest of us feel guilty and outnumbered.

As a younger sister of someone that is lactose intolerant, I have seen firsthand the momentous effects this genetic flaw can create on both the emotional and mental aspects of personal health and stability.

“It’s just so tiring,” former Bingham student, Colton Hicks, says, relating to his lactose intolerance. “I love everything that’s made with it. ice cream, cheese—oh, I love cheese—yogurt. It just hurts, is all, to be denied the simple pleasures of human existence. Your mind goes dark very quickly.” 

Besides the obvious physical and mental pain that can accompany lactose intolerance, one is left to wonder if a sort of jealousy is created between the lifestyle choices of those that have lactose intolerance, and those that don’t. 

My theory is simple: the hate war against milk is simply a hoax created by the lactose intolerants, designed to make the strongest of the population’s gene pool (the milk drinkers) feel guilty, outnumbered, and in as much pain as the lactose intolerants are in at the thought of not having regular access to milk and all of its holy grail, dairy-related products.

To reinforce this idea, I’d like to call attention to the many great things that milk, or lactose, specifically, has created for us to behold in all of their glory. Milk (quite obviously), ice cream, yogurt, cheese, and let’s not forget the holy goodnesses that are salad dressing, milk chocolate, and mashed potatoes. Also, on a random side note, as an avid milk drinker myself, I have not broken a single bone in the entirety of my life. Coincidence? I think not.

Now, this isn’t to say that I have some unspoken beef with the lactose intolerants. I, too, would probably do my very best to slander the very same food in which my heart loves but my body hates. I can only imagine the pain of having my soul split to the bone, and for this I would like to personally sympathize with all of you. 

Right after I finish my routine three glasses of ice cold milk. Sorry (but not really).