How to: Flirt


     Flirting is a life skill, a basic necessity for survival.  The ability to flirt has the potential to determine your success in life.

      Stage 1: Initial Contact.  Despite the negative cliché, batting your eyelashes can increase your chances of success by 84%.  Speak up, introduce yourself.  Making the target aware of your existence is key.  Find your special smile, whether it be a happy grin, a clever snicker, the Flynn Ryder smolder, or a confident smirk.  Leave a lasting impression.  Positive memories are recommended, but for the masters, leaving a negative impression is also a possibility.  Lastly, acquire their number without incurring fear of stalking (see Motherlode Issue I).

      Stage 1.5:  Establish Light Physical Contact.  Connections are important, but remember not to go overboard.  Some suggested options are: touch his elbow, accidentally brush his arm, or gently slap his arm when laughing too hard at his mediocre jokes.

     Stage 2:  Draw him in.  Sadly, ‘what color is your toothbrush’ is not stimulating conversation.  Be interesting.  Lying is not against the rules.  In fact, it is fairly successful; however, make the story easy to remember. Little white lies.   Your intense ties with the Italian mob can be hard to recall at a moment’s notice. Be alluring by maintaining eye contact.

     Stage 3: The Technique of Texting.  Remember, quality over quantity.  Don’t scare him away with massive amounts of technological communication.  Don’t seem too interested. Texting after midnight is a no-go.  Beware of the Spanish Inquisition Approach: asking thousands of questions to keep the conversation is not enjoyable for either party.  If the conversation is dead, don’t try to resurrect it.

      Stage 4:  Ascertain the reality of this relationship.  If the person of interest is dead, a fictional character, or arguably famous, then the relationship probably isn’t realistic.  Emotional issues and “sanity problems” are to be avoided at all costs.  Ask yourself if there is a future in this relationship?  Let’s be honest.  Does your name sound good with his?  Will your future children be attractive enough to survive in the world? If you answered yes to these questions, consider up-ing your flirting. If you answered no to any (or all) of these questions, let your flirting fade out, or drop contact altogether.

      The Fine Print:  Stalking, excessive touching, and too many broken social rules can negatively affect your chances as a successful flirt.  Remember, all things in moderation.